Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
