I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
