I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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