my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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