I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
