he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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