Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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