I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
