No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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