HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
