He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
