We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
