My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
