Your mouth is God's brothel.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Randomize
