I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
