Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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