So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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