I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
