I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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