im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
