You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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