You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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