When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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