I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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