Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
