You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
