Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
