I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
