I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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