I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
