what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
