she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
