I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
