So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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