I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
