u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
