and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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