I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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