You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
