i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
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