Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
