I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
