i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
