it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
