ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
