I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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