She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
