Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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