I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
