I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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